Cook and Moore_Two legs ... the minimum requirement

'One Leg Too Few' (1989) -classics

 Peter Cook and Dudley Moore

From 'The Secret Policeman's Biggest Ball' in 1989. -25 years on the show

Peter Cook: [in character, calls out to stage right] Uh, Miss Rigby? Stella, my love? Would you send in the next auditioner, please? Thank you, my dear. 

[Enter Moore, grinning broadly, wearing trench coat, hopping on one leg, the other leg -- the left one -- tucked under the coat - he hops over to Cook and shakes hands.] 

Peter Cook: Nice to see you. 
Dudley Moore: [still hopping up and down] Nice to see you. 
Peter Cook: Settle down. [puts a hand on Moore's shoulder and stops his hopping] Uh, Mr. Spiggott, is it not? 
Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott's the name, acting's my game. 
Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game. 
Dudley Moore: Right. 
Peter Cook: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Spiggott. 
Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes. 
Peter Cook: Thank you very much. [Moore hops over to the chair and rests his "stump" on it] Mr. Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan? 
Dudley Moore: Yes. 

Peter Cook: Uh, Mr. Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man. 
Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that? 
Peter Cook: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively. 
Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP. 
Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes. 
Dudley Moore: Mm, yes. 
Peter Cook: Now, Mr. Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying    for the role of Tarzan. 
Dudley Moore: Yes, right. 
Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste. 
Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes. 
Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the role. 
Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes. 

Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role? 
Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to. 
Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say with, uh, too much        stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient. 
Dudley Moore: The leg division? 
Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr. Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a lovely leg for the role!" 
Dudley Moore: Ah! 
Peter Cook: I've got nothing against your right leg. 
Dudley Moore: Ah! 

Peter Cook: The trouble is -- neither have you. [delayed applause]          You, uh, you fall down on the left. 
Dudley Moore: You mean it's inadequate? 
Peter Cook: It is inadequate, Mr. Spiggott. 
Dudley Moore: Mm. 
Peter Cook: In my view, the public is not yet ready ... 
Dudley Moore: No? 
Peter Cook: ... for the sight of a one-legged Tarzan swinging through the jungly tendrils, shouting "Hello, Jane." 
Dudley Moore: No. No, right. 
Peter Cook: But don't despair, Mr. Spiggott. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent. 
Dudley Moore: Well, I've got twice as many. 
Peter Cook: You're streets ahead! 
Dudley Moore: So there's still hope? 
Peter Cook: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Spiggott. 
Dudley Moore: Ah! 
Peter Cook: I mean, if we get no two-legged character actors in here within, say, the next, oh, [checks his wristwatch] eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of artiste we shall be attempting to contact with a view to jungle stardom. 
Dudley Moore: [likes the sound of that] Jungle stardom. 

[Moore gets off chair, shakes hands with Cook while hopping up and down.] 

Peter Cook: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite at this stage. 
Dudley Moore: Oh, good Lord! 
Peter Cook: But you must understand ... these days. We've so much tied up in the remake of Gone With The Wind, Part Four, we can't afford... 

[ Moore exits right, hopping and waving goodbye.  Cook, alone on stage, does a little hopping himself to the music as we fade out.]   -scripts

From "Beyond the Fringe," -best audio
their complete 1964 gala farewell performance



BONUS.
... and for Christmas, watch this (it was 11 years before Life of Brian!)




four bits:

M:	Let me introduce myself Arthur. My name is Matthew. Jolly good. Let me explain, Arthur, we are doing an in-depth profile of Jesus.
S:	Er, which newspaper do you work for?
M:	I work for The Bethlehem Star. bit2. M: Now what I'd like you to do, if you're willing of course, is tell me what happened, in your own words. S: Basically what happened was that me and the lads were abiding in the fields. Yeah, and we were watching our flocks by night. M: Watching our flocks by night, yeah… S: Yeah. That's when they get up to all their rubbish. Hot summer nights, the rams go mad. Specially that one over there, he's a filthy little bugger. [We hear bleating.] Will you cut that out?! Doing that in front of you, a holy man! M: Yeah, well, it's only human. bit 3 M: Right. Now then - What was the atmosphere like in the stable, on this joyous, historic occasion? S: The atmosphere in the stable was very, very smelly. bit 4. S: Joseph, in particular. He was sitting in the corner of the stable, looking very gloomy indeed. M: : He might have been feeling a bit disgruntled, not being the real father. M: Yeah! Anyway, Arthur, I gather later on in the evening, three wise men came by, am I right there? S: Three bloody idiots if ever I saw any. In they come, call themselves Maggie. M: Yeah? S: And, er, they were bearing these gifts, you see.Gold, frankincense, and [nasally] mhhhhhhhyr. S: Well, I think the gold was probably welcome. But what's a little kid going to do with frankincense and [nasally] mhhhhhhhyr? I ask you.